Charlie Kelly. King of the Rats, Interstate Man of Mystery, Master of Disguise. For a man who stays off the grid and slips through the cracks, disguises are key, and a run through his top five costumes and aliases show us the many identities of the worlds most clever idiot.

 

 

5. Weird Danish Twin Charlie (S6e9: Dee Reynolds: Shaping America’s Youth, S9e9: The Gang Makes Lethal Weapon 6)

With zero lines as either of the weird danish twins (as probably per Dennis’ request we should’ve cut him out completely), Charlie still plays a compelling role as Chief Lazarus’ lead henchmen in both Lethal Weapon 5 and 6. After doubling as the police chief somebody tapped the tainted water supply and a different(?) henchmen, he has a nice quick little fight scene before getting kicked out the window and demolished with some A+ dummy action. Returning as the second twin for Lethal Weapon 6, he sets off the bomb at the wedding before paying a tear jerking homage to his fallen brethren (above). He gets clapped in a shootout acting as Lazarus’ shield but his shooting while brushing the hair out of his face was a beautiful visual. Cracked the top 5 mostly because of how hilarious the costume looks.

 

 

4. Crippled Veteran Charlie (S2e1: Charlie Gets Crippled)

Veit-God-damn-Nam’s What Happened!

Charlie gets a taste of the strip club sympathy life, and once the wheelchair fever hits the gang he needs an edge to keep the free lap dances coming in. (Q: Who gets more respect and admiration in this country than war heroes? A: athletes, rock stars, actors, models, rich people). He goes with the homeless, crippled, Vietnam veteran disguise, and proceeds to get boxed in by Frank. You don’t stick a vet in a corner! Mac and Dennis find the homeless vet outside the bar before he rolls back to the strip club to find Frank in full electric chair disguise.  Top notch episode, and great introduction of Charlie Kelly’s unique eye for costumes and disguises.

 

 

 

3. Charlie Serpico (S3e14: Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City)

Okay, Mr. Mayor! Feast your ears on that spin doctors mix!

In one of the strongest episodes of the entire series, Charlie gets left out of the original grift with the police uniforms (you guys know how much I like dressing up in costumes that’s bullshit!) and takes his own path as an undercover backseat cop I’ve got a great Serpico costume, it’s really something else. I like to believe that they used the same wig and beard from the crippled vet costume because that would be pretty awesome. Charlie immediately comes back in full Serpico getup and flips out at a dude for jaywalking, and then at Dennis and Frank for taking a bit of hush money WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT SHIT RIGHT THERE? . Next we see him lurking around the streets with his binoculars snooping on the crooked cops, and taping himself up with a wire (tape recorder) in a beautiful montage. Now I’m going to end this little caption by just linking to the next scene because I’ve tried to type up a few different things about it and I’ve decided that I just can’t describe it in words, so yeah.

oh yeah and then he blows up the cop car (up to no good? a little crime and corruption?) and then brings the Spin Doctors mix to Mr. Mare to end the episode.  Pretty fucking awesome.

 

 

2. Oilman Charlie (S4e2: The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis, S7e1: Frank’s Pretty Women)

I think I’ve been poisoned by my constituents!!!

Ya best get to steppin’ cause Johnny Law’s a-comin’!

The first time Charlie laces up the oil man boots is to solve the gas crisis (another A++ episode). The wildcard does his thing at the first door: we’re itching like a hound to give you a somethin’ you want + hells yeah! We want to fill you up if you so inclined to let us. + So don’t be making me sick my associate on your here, alright? He don’t take kindly to no (pictured). Had to include a handful of the quotes that got packed into that fantastic interaction, before Johnny Law was promptly alerted. Making a return under the identity of Hoss Bonaventure, casual millionaire, oil man Charlie breaks the accent back out for a date that cute little limo driver Frank is supposed to finish. While going over his past business ventures (a hustlin’, a rastlin’, this, that, boiled denims, mostly the bridge business) he tries to play wingman for his chauffeur he’s rich in caricature, before the infamous spewing of the blood capsules. All around amazing showing for Texas Charlie in two very different episodes.

 

 

 

1 . Green Man (S3e2: The Gang Gets Invincible, S4e3: Paddy’s Next Top Billboard Model, S5e6: The World Series Defense)

Green man was good, it got me through some hard times, but I’m done with it! 

As I’ve said before, sometimes lists are unfair, and there really wasn’t a standing chance for any of these costumes or aliases to top the brilliance of green man. Originating in high school as a mascot nobody wanted , this disguise fully masks the outer identity and persona of Charles Kelly while leaving behind the spastic neon enigma that is green man. We’re first introduced to the true wonders of green man when it saves acid Charlie from the McPoyoles. These people are freak shows, man, freaks! But you’re keeping your cool. You are keeping your cool. You know why? Because you are the green man. green man is saving your life right now, bro. Absolutely beautiful inner monologue matched with an equally encapsulating dance exhibition. (Nobody minds if I do a little dancing now, do they?-  after this line please keep your eyes on Charlie for some hysterical background moves. Green man makes two more pretty decent appearances while filming the viral video with Dee and chopping it up with the Philly Phernetic, but the first appearance is enough to cement it as the greatest of all Charlie Kelly disguises, for all of eternity.

 

 

Honorable Mentions

Lawyer Charlie was one that I went back and forth on because obviously he has a specific getup for his various lawyerings, but I don’t really consider it a disguise because at the end of the day he’s still Charlie Kelly so I left it off.

Charlie Grieco was pretty awesome, the I’ve got one of those hella sweet lives line fucking kills me every time, but the episode as a whole was whatever.

Charlie’s first Bob Dylan band outfit is pretty sweet too, lots of better options though obviously.