I’ve been chilling on this earth for nearly 21 years now, gone around the block a few times, seen a few things, and drank somewhere in the ballpark of a thousand iced coffees from Dunkin’ Donuts. In the great state of Massachusetts, it’s pretty tough to come by a dunks employee that’s gonna make you a bad iced coffee. They know the proper ice ratio, they’ve got the primo ingredients, and they’re forced to serve iced coffees year-round to us hardened coffee fiends. In most other places, this is simply not the case. It’s very easy to make bad iced coffee, easier than making a good iced coffee I’d say, and as these Summer months approach I offer you my comprehensive top five list of places to go if you wish to find yourself a bad dunkin’ donuts iced coffee.

5.  An Airport

You show up at the airport at like 5:30 for a fight at 7, and coffee is an absolute requirement for breathing that early. The starbucks line looks like a game of snake you’re about to lose, so that kinda weird looking dunks off in the corner is gonna have to do. It will do. It probably won’t be great, hell, it might not even be good, but it’ll sure do. I’d say I purchase a dunks iced coffee in about 4/5 daytime airport trips, and of those four, two are going to suck. I’m still going for it though.

 (I can’t find a better pic but I’m pretty sure this is the one I’m thinking of inside Logan)

4. Those Little Brick Rest Stops in Connecticut

Safety, cleanliness, and convenience don’t mean a damn thing when your iced coffee sucks, and their iced coffee usually sucks. These rest stops are just weirdly set up, always narrow and cramped as hell, and their dunkin donuts never looks quite right. There’s usually like 1.5 employees there at a given time, it’s usually dirty, and it looks like the kind of place in which ice would be melting at an unsettling rate. The weak link of New England putting in a weak link performance with these rest stop dunks.

3. Spain

The only real cool place I’ve been in my life. Got off the plane and started walking around the gorgeous city of Málaga, and what do we stumble across less than like fifteen minutes deep, but the beautiful orange and purple lettering of a dunkin’ donuts. I was elated to say the least. (I’m pretty sure the place below is the one, not 100%)

The Spanish know many things: conquering, exploring, things of that nature, but they don’t know jack shit about iced coffee. My coffee stunk. I do appreciate that their signs say Dunkin Coffee instead of Dunkin Donuts, because nobody cares about donuts, but my appreciation is severely diminished by the fact that they haven’t the slightest idea on how to craft up a quick medium iced w/ cream. Many things are better in Spain: Coca Cola, deli meat, churros, I don’t really remember what else it was like four years ago, but I do know that the one iced coffee I consumed in Spain was absolute mid.

2. Anywhere inside the New York City subway system

New York City sucks eggs, first of all. I barely trust the food and drinks I purchase above ground in New York, and you expect me to get my morning iced coffee in their underground piss and rat caves??? Pass. hard pass. super pass. No without the thank you. The New Haven CT train stop has a solid dunks, but after that I’m avoiding that orange and purple like the plague. I think I’m 0/3 with dunks iced coffee within the confines of the NYC subway system, and it’s gonna take a pretty extreme scenario for me to test my luck ever again.

1. The Boardwalk in Wildwood, New Jersey

I knew it. I took one look at that Dunkin’ Donuts and knew what I was getting into. Except I didn’t. I expected Connecticut rest stop quality, maybe airport quality if I was lucky. What I got instead was originally brewed within the darkest depths of the NYC subway system, transported to New Jersey inside the stomach of an ailing rat, and then regurgitated over rapidly melting ice into a cup that I proceeded to drink from. The taste has long since left my mouth, but I’ll never forget that nerve-chilling feeling when that first sip hit my tongue. I couldn’t fathom what I was consuming, I simply didn’t understand how the brilliant folks at dunks hq could’ve possibly signed off on that monstrosity I had just tasted. I was sick to say the least. To keep a short story short, just don’t go there. They may have improved their quality over the years but honestly it’s just not worth it to test those waters, please trust me. Go literally anywhere else.

Honorable Mention: Any Dunkin’ Donuts with a Baskin Robins.

I feel like the ingredients are a bit different when there’s a baskin robins involved. It’s not a huge deterrent really, I’m not gonna turn around and walk out if I spot an ice cream counter, and my iced coffee usually comes out perfectly fine. I just get a bit weary because I have had some stinkers.

And now that I just slandered one of my favorite businesses for about 900 words, here are a few more dunks related gifs to enjoy.

I simply cannot believe that this was ever created by Dunkin’ Donuts Inc., but the existence of this gif makes me unreasonably happy.

If there’s one thing I know about kings, it’s that they often do king things.

I don’t know either…