(Editor’s Note: I wrote this in late 2017, left it in the drafts, forgot that I did so, revisited it today and I stand by everything here so I didn’t edit shit. enjoy. also stay safe out there and please don’t be a dickhead. that is all.)

At one point or another I stopped caring about spelling. The exact moment is unclear, but it came somewhere between the 2006 Orchard Farms Elementary School spelling bee (I came in second after correctly spelling yeild) and this very moment right now. The internet may have had something to do with it. Typing on a phone with autocorrect for the better part of my conscious life may have had something to do with it. It’s still hard to say.

Irregardless, one thing led to a few more things, which led to something else, and now I’m a free man, devoid of the oppressive restraint which is: worrying about spelling.

And when you finally become a free man, what do you do?

(speak into your devices microphone and proceed)

…….No, not yet, we’ve gotta wait on that.

……. Ew, no you can’t do that either. You’re gross, man.

……. Correct! You bitch and complain about how all of the words you can’t spell are stupidly spelt words, now that you officially do not care about spelling, not one single lick.

So to aide my English typing brethren in breaking from this bondage (much like I have), here are a couple words that just straight up suck and the reasons why.

1. Restaurant

I don’t think I’ve ever spelt this word correctly on the first try. Resturaunt is one of the words I’ll butcher so horrifically sometimes that autocorrect can’t match my combination of letters to any word ever recorded. However, my lifetime of misspelling restaraunt comes through no fault of my own, and may be appropriately attributed to this word completely and utterly sucking.

What possible business does that au have in the middle of this word? Answer: stupid historical business, that’s legitimately it. We took this word straight from the French, which is cool because France will just straight-up let you do that for free. Despite this, we continue to pay them in free promotion since we pretty much left the entire word structure the same, even though it’s 100% just not pronounced like that in English. It’s flatout lazy lettersmithing and I, for one, refuse to stand for it.

Self-respecting English speakers simply do not pronounce this word resTOWWrant, and until they do, I will continue to complain about how stupidly this word is spelt. Like right now for instance. It is SO VERY stupid! What’s the problem with resteraunt? Huh? How could anyone in their right/wrong mind read that word and pronounce it wrong? Or hear it and spell it wrong? Correct: they couldn’t, because it’s foolproof. English is already nonsensical enough as it is, we don’t need everyday nouns tripping up very bright scholarly thinkers (like myself).

2. Committee

When you think about it, this may actually be a perfect word, given that a commitee is what you call a group of people who all sat in the same room at least once and needed to sound more important….. and whichever comittee decided upon the spelling of committee were throwing around double letters all willy-nilly just so their jobs seemed important.

I mean who needs a whole committe just to pick how words are spelt anyway? I do that for free.

I hate so much of what this word chooses to be.

Two M’s? Fine, tons of words rock the double M’s, looks aight. Two T’s? I can live with it, the ol’ double T is common as hell. Two E’s? Sure, go for it, no skin off my back. But TWO M’s, TWO T’s, AND TWO E’s???? Are you fucking kidding me? What typa bureaucratic, self-indulgent, exorbitant bullshit is that?  

Work with me here for a second, let’s strip some of the fat off this monstrosity and see what we’re really playing with.

Comite. Okay, not quite the word we started with, sounds like what you’d call a dwarf comet. Moving on.

Commite. Now this is a word I can get behind. Might look a little weird (if you’re close-minded and intolerant), but all of the sounds are there, and, more importantly, those no-good tagalonging leeches of letters are not.

Comitte? This one does actually look pretty weird, but the idea still stands: It works. And finally:

Comitee. This one’s my personal favorite, aesthetically looks great, and (aside from the possibility that someones defective brain says comedy) it sounds perfect. I could probably compromise and settle on commitee, that one looks really good as well but the moral of the story is that having mm, tt, and ee mashed into one word is just plain irresponsible, gross misuse of letter.