Good afternoon one and all,

Welcome to the Second Annual* Wormy Film Awards, presented by Wormstuff.com, Wormy Films LTD, and JaxList MovieFund Cayman Productions, Inc.

I can’t lie to you guys, it’s been a long two years for us in the WormStuff Family since the last (and first) Wormy’s took place in February 2020.

For the 2019 Awards, I tried to spice things up on a budget and bring in this whole rogues’ gallery of shitbag presenters, all of whom found themselves in the discount bin for one reason or another. In hindsight, it was a bad gimmick, not that funny, an enormous waste of money, and on top of that our event liability insurance has gone through the fucking roof ever since we had to put Mel Gibson on an official guest list.

All in all, that event was a resounding disaster, but it provided us with a good foundation with which to build upon.

Despite operating deep in the red, small business loans kept us afloat during these unprecedented times, and we were proud to break ground on our most ambitious initiative to date, when we established the IMDB Page Hall of Fame early this past April. Again, a huge thank you to the great Kevin Michael Richardson, an amazing talent and an even better guest, it was a night we’ll never forget.

And now we’re here, and it’s 2022, and it’s time to talk some movies. No spoilers. Last time I got a little too descriptive with some plot points for some peoples’ likings, this year I’m not giving away anything substantial about these movies, only tiny, tiny plot things here and there just to make my case.

Lastly, but most importantly: Apologies to all the 2019 Wormy award winners, including the RZA, Jon Bernthal, Tommy Lee Jones, So-dam Park, Billy Lourd, Aaron Paul, Robert Pattinson, Willem Dafoe, Julia Butters, Adam Brody, Keanu Reeves, and Ben Affleck, among others. For them, and for all others who I have disappointed or let down during the past 24 years: Our show tonight, is dedicated to you.

Hit the lights and grab a drink cause it’s time to present our first award, a major award: the Project Badass Badass Moment of the Year, presented by Wolf Cola and Frank’s Fluids International.

The Project Badass Badass Moment of the Year was established in 2019 by Ronald McDonald, South Philadelphia bar owner and founder of Project Badass. Ronald sits on the Wormy Films board of directors and conducts the voting for this award, based on the criteria of rocking, and looking cool, and kicking ass. The nominees, for the Project Badass Badass Moment of the Year, are:

Matt Damon: The Last Duel

LaKeith Stanfield and Regina King: The Harder They Fall

Jason Momoa: Dune

Agathe Rousselle: Titane

Next up, I’m proud to present a brand new award, the Best Product of Nepotism Award, presented by Dolan Family Ventures.

Family, folks, ya know? We all got em! Ya know? Ya gotta take the good with the bad! Everyone’s got that shitty old uncle who shows up at the family party just to talk shit and make people uncomfortable, right? Ya know? But if that shitty old uncle is Jon Voight? Ya know?

The nominees, for Best Product of Nepotism, are:

Michael Gandolfini: The Many Saints of Newark

Cooper Hoffman: Licorice Pizza

Riley Keough: Zola

Frances McDormand: Macbeth

Jason Reitman (dir): Ghostbusters

And the winner is: granddaughter of Elvis, and ex-stepdaughter of both Michael Jackson and Nic Cage, Riley Keough. But seriously, folks, she’s really excellent in Zola, watch it on Hulu/Amazon ASAP. She didn’t have to earn the Graceland estate, but she does deserve it.

Sam Levinson took home the Wormy award for Worst Product of Nepotism earlier in today’s show.

And now for one of our most popular legacy awards, the Driver of the Year, brought to you by HAAS F1 Racing.

Adam Driver fittingly took home the inaugural Driver of the Year trophy in 2020 for his role in The Dead Don’t Die, beating out a tough field of competitors, including himself, Christian Bale, and Cliff Booth. Over the past two years, pundits speculated that the 2019 Driver of the Year class was one that’d never be topped, but I’m here to say that’s bull.

The nominees, for Driver of the Year, are:

Adam Driver: Annette

Adam Driver: House of Gucci

Adam Driver: The Last Duel

Alana Haim: Licorice Pizza

Toko Miura: Drive My Car

And the award goes to, Alana Haim mostly for driving that giant moving truck, but also for being a generally reliable driver for a crew of kids who couldn’t drive themselves.

Before we present our next award, I, and the entire Wormy Films team, would like to make a few things clear: War is not “cool.” Under any circumstances. If hell exists, every U.S. President is either there right now or has real estate reserved for them. We at Wormy Films celebrated the death of Madeleine Albright. John McCain too. That being said;

The nominees, for Coolest War Criminal of the Year presented by the George Washington University, are:

Sean Harris: The Green Knight

Brian Tyree Henry: Eternals

Oscar Isaac: The Card Counter

Denzel Washington: Macbeth

Jeffrey Wright: No Time To Die

And the award goes to Jeffrey Wright, aka CIA agent Felix Leiter, who put in great work in Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace, and No Time to Die.

Jeffrey Wright also took home the award for Possible Real Life War Criminal earlier in the show, for owning a shady gold mine in Sierra Leone. No joke there folks, merely a chilling fact.

Okay now for a couple real-deal awards to add some legitimacy to this show so hopefully we can swindle our way onto the IMDB awards list one year. First we’ve got the True Supporting Actress award.

When we started this show in 2020, the Oscar nominees for best “Supporting” actor featured 5 dudes who were each the 2nd or 3rd lead actors in their respective films. Bullshit. Unprofessional bullshit. So we created the True Supporting Actor/Actress award to honor those who aren’t on the damn movie poster (in most cases).

The nominees, for True Supporting Actress, are:

Ana de Armas: No Time To Die

Danielle Deadwyler: The Harder They Fall

Bree Elrod: Red Rocket

Vera Farmiga: The Many Saints of Newark

Kathryn Hunter: Macbeth

And the award goes to, Kathryn Hunter, for going gargoyle mode.

And now for True Supporting Actor, our second category of the night in which an actor returns to defend his title. Jon Bernthal – well on his way to a James Caan Lifetime Achievement Award for being the best non-Italian Italian man in Hollywood – took home the 2019 title for his portrayal of Lee Iacocca in Ford v Ferrari, a good film. The nominees, for True Supporting Actor, are:

Jon Bernthal: King Richard

Nicholas Braun: Zola

Colman Domingo: Zola

Ed Harris: The Lost Daughter

Alex Wolff: Pig

And the winner is Jon Bernthal, my favorite pseudo-paisan, taking home his second consecutive supporting actor award for a truly swell performance as Italian-American tennis coach Rick Macci. No biases here, if you’re going to beat out the dudes in Zola, a rare sweetheart Ed Harris role, and young god Alex Wolff, you gotta deserve it. And he did.

Okay now back to the fun. Next up is my favorite new award we created for 2021: the Gang Leader I’d Like to Work For of the Year award.

I’ll let you guys in on a dirty little secret of mine: I typically prefer the first 30 minutes of a movie to the last 30 minutes. Why? Well cause a lot of reasons, but here’s one: the first 30 is when all the gangsters get to laugh and party and do cool fun criminal stuff, and the last 30 is where they get shot, arrested, or turned states’ witness.

The nominees for, Gang Leader I’d Like to Work For of the Year (GLILWF), are:

David Alvarez: West Side Story

Mike Faist: West Side Story

Brendan Fraser: No Sudden Move

Judy Hill: Red Rocket

Jonathan Majors: The Harder They Fall

And the Wormy goes to Judy Hill, for running a pretty chill family business and having a sweet backyard setup. Plus in her gang you don’t have to sing and dance if you don’t want to, it’s not a requirement. Congratulations to Mrs. Hill for becoming the first actor in the history of the Wormy Awards to take home an award for their first ever movie role.

Editor’s note: Red Rocket is my favorite movie of the year and the JaxFund will reimburse you if you rent and watch it for $4.99. Serious offer: Venmo request @jaxon after you watch and tell me what you thought about the movie in the description.

Now for one of our most prestigious awards: the Shit Dad of the Year award, presented by Waystar RoyCo.

There are a lot of ways to be a good dad and a lot of ways to be a shitty dad. Fortunately for me, and unfortunately for movie dads, all it takes is one catastrophically large, traumatizing fuckup to land yourself on the shit dad shortlist, and movies are full of those. The nominees, for the Shit Dad of the Year, are:

Adam Arkin: Pig

Adam Driver: Annette

LeBron James: Space Jam

Ray Liotta: The Many Saints of Newark

John Pollano: Small Engine Repair

And the winner is, Adam Arkin, for pissing off both his son and his son’s friend Nic Cage. Go watch Pig on Hulu, great film.

And now a new award, the Cool Mom of the Year. Now, this isn’t exactly the inverse to the Shit Dad award. Being a “cool mom” doesn’t necessarily make someone a “good mom.” The mom who’s house you’d party at in high school who wasn’t taking kids’ car keys? Probably not a good mom, but definitely eligible for this category. The nominees, for Cool Mom of the Year, are:

Marion Cotillard: Annette

Mary Elizabeth Ellis: Licorice Pizza

Aunjanue Ellis: King Richard

Rebecca Ferguson: Dune

Kristen Stewart: Spencer

And the Cool Mom of the Year goes to, Mary Elizabeth Ellis, for being the adult face of her teenage son’s public relations company.

And now, my friends, it’s time for the top honor of the night, the one you came here to see, the reason for the season, it’s the Guys Being Dudes Moment of the Year.

Another award inspired by Cliff Booth, the Guys Being Dudes Moment of the Year is an ensemble award established to honor those who are great at chilling with the (gender neutral) guys on screen. Anyone can act all sad and dramatic, that’s easy, only the greats can act out a fun time with the pals.

The nominees for Guys Being Dudes Moment of the Year are:

Jon Bernthal, John Pollano, and Shea Whigham: Small Engine Repair

Clifton Collins Jr., Ron Perlman, and Mark Povinelli: Nightmare Alley

Herbert Nordrum and Renate Reinsve: The Worst Person in the World

John Magaro, Billy Magnussen, and Samson Moeakiola: The Many Saints of Newark

Jack Nielen, Freddy Spry, and Kristen Stewart: Spencer

And the winners are Jon Bernthal, John Pollano, and Shea Whigham, for chilling in the garage. I mean, just look at the photo we used. Respect to the other nominees, but disrespectfully, this was a blowout. Jon Bernthal – taking home his second Wormy of the night, third of his career – is a one-man guy-being-dude, Shea Whigham too in his own right. Pair them with John Pollano, who wrote and directed the film, and you’ve got a crew for the ages. Small Engine Repair is a good movie on Hulu you all should watch (apparently the trailer spoils the whole plot so just take my word for it or go listen to Jon Bernthal talk about the movie, he’s probably more convincing than me).

So, normally we’d end with the Guys Being Dudes Moment. But since that one was such a blowout I had to finish with a more hotly contested race. The nominees, for True Worst Person in the World of the Year, are:

Timothee Chalamet: The French Dispatch

Adam Driver: The Last Duel

Barry Keoghan: The Green Knight

Jesse Plemmons: Judas and the Black Messiah

Simon Rex: Red Rocket

And the winner is, Jesse Plemmons, for being a sick, sick man.

Alright folks, I’ve kept you for long enough so I’ll wrap it up here. I put this event together for me mostly, it’s fun for me and my sad little ego, but it’s also for you, the people, because movies are the best, and they’re so much fun to talk and laugh about, and today we have access to more of them than ever before. So we should all be watching more movies, and having fun watching movies, because fun is the point. Fun is always the point.

Bigger and better next time, love y’all.

Other award winners that couldn’t be presented during tonight’s show:

Hostile Work Environment of the Year – the production of Uncle Vanya: Drive My Car

Pure and Good Delight of The Year – Brendan Fraser: No Sudden Move

Bad Family of the Year – The Royal Family: Spencer

Bad Vibes Baby of the Year – Annette: Annette

Bad Vibes Adult of the Year – Benedict Cumberbatch: The Power of the Dog