Welcome one and all to the 2022 Wormy Film Awards. If you’re new to the show, I’m Jackson, founder and editor of Wormstuff.org and first President of The Wormy Film Association

At the end of our show last year I told you all that things would be “bigger and better next year.” That sounded like a great thing to say at the time, and I really felt good about it, but I’ve gotta be honest, I had no idea what that meant

And to be even more honest, I forgot that I said that for like six months. And then all the movies started coming out and our board of trustees were sending me nominees left and right and that promise came rushing back to me in a wave of sheer panic

What the heck did “bigger and better” mean? Securing a network TV slot? Airing commercials? Hosting a red carpet? Trust me when I say I tried to do all these things. But unfortunately we maintain a staff full of capable and pragmatic individuals who won’t let me do any fun stuff cause we’re “”operating millions of dollars in the red”” because of “”that disaster of a 2019 show.”” Whatever. At the end of the day, they’re right. But being “”financially responsible”” doesn’t put butts in seats, so we had to come to some sort of compromise

Our first compromise… By popular demand, Jessica is back. In 2020 she was an overqualified intern handling all of our booking while also acting as our PA announcer. She left for a “”real job”” when she realized we “”shelled out millions for terrible guests while paying her nothing”” but now we’re paying her so she’s back on the mic. Say hi Jessica

Hi

laughs

After we hired Jessica we still had two problems. We needed money. And we needed high profile guests. And here at Wormstuff.org our natural enemies, are the birds. Therefore, if we have the opportunity to neutralize two of them with one rock? Buddy, we’re going to jump on that opportunity. That led us to compromise two

We weren’t able to get any of our award nominees in the building tonight due to prior commitments, but over the past couple years we’ve developed relationships with a lot of awesome partners, which include a whole host of amazing personalities. So for the first time, we’re taking a page out of the Monday Night Raw playbook and letting our corporate partners present the Wormy awards tonight

Take it away Jess!

To present our first award, please welcome to the stage, the proprietors of South Philadelphia’s Paddy’s Pub: Dennis Reynolds and Ronald McDonald!

applause

Mac: Nobody calls me that anymore I told th-

Dennis: Just read the lines!

Mac: Alright relax! When I founded project badass in 2007, I did it to showcase the inspiring work, of true action heroes

Dennis: Making films that shock, stun, and inspire

Mac: There are a lot of movies are about guys, who are badass

Dennis: The hero, the daredevil, the opportunistic survivor

Mac: Our first two Project Badass, Badass Moment of the Year award winners, Aaron Paul and Jason Mamoa, embody two sides of the modern, American, badass, and this year’s winner is sure to add to the tradition of the badass

Dennis: Not American

Mac: Yes they are!

Dennis: I mean it’s not an American award the first two guys just happened to be- nevermind. Here are your nominees, for the 2022, Project Badass, Badass Moment of the Year:

James Dolan: Miriam-Webster defines “janky” as, “of very poor quality” or, “not functioning adequately or properly”

Jackson: I define “janky” as, “someone who plays for the poorest baseball team in new york“

Dolan: Speaking of! How about those Knicks huh?

Jackson: Speaking of poorest teams in new york?

Dolan: Oh gimme a break, have you seen those Nets? I mean who’s still on that team?

Jackson: Well it’s certainly not for lack of money

Dolan: But for some janky businessmen, it is for the lack of money

Jackson: That’s exactly right James. When a janky businessman finds himself strapped for cash, or sees the end of a cash stream on the horizon, they’ll go to some… extreme lengths to secure that elusive bag

Dolan: And that makes for some super fun movies, and some hilariously conniving sonsofbitches

Jackson: The nominees, for Jankiest Businessman, of the Year, are:

laughs

Daniel: But as the star of the hit *BLEEEP* series Drive To Survive, I’ve learned that pretending to be a good driver on film is not as easy as it seems

chuckles

Daniel: And it’s given me a lot of respect for the truly great on-screen drivers, so it was a no brainer that I partner with Jackson and the good folks at Wormstuff to present the nominees, for the 2022 Driver of the Year

Daniel: And the Wormy goes to… Yahya Abdul Mateen II, Ambulance!

applause

Carmen: Um, what’s up everyone. Happy to be here, um. The United States Equal Employment Opportunity Commission defines “hostile work environment” as a work environment “where the words and actions of a supervisor, manager or coworker negatively or severely impacts another employee’s ability to complete their-” Um. Honestly this is kinda bullshit? You know? Like for real they never told me what award I was gonna sponsor I thought it was gonna be like “best food” or something. I don’t even really watch movies this was just promo for the restaurant you know? Man fuck this-

Carmen storms off

Um… and the Wormy goes to….. The Philadelphia 76ers!

Now please welcome our next presenter, a very special guest, three time Wormy award winner and recipient of the first, Wormstuff.org James Caan Memorial Lifetime Achievement Award for Italian Acting by a Non-Italian, Jon Bernthal!

standing ovation. lot of people crying

Bernthal: Thank you.

more deafening applause. hoots, hollers, etc.

Bernthal: Thank you… Thank you…

crowd goes silent

Bernthal: When I got the call from Jackson that I’d be receiving this distinction tonight, the first thing I thought was “How?” …. “The heck did he get my new cell number? How many times do I have to tell that dude I’m not doing his cut rate award show again?” … And I meant that

laughs

Bernthal: But when I learned the award was established in honor of the late, great Jimmy Caan, I had to reconsider, and I really started to think about my career to this point. As a Jewish American man who’s family tree traces back to Austria, Poland, Germany, Russia, and Lithuania, I had to stop and consider why I find myself portraying so many Italian men on film. And, you know, the more I think about it, I think it all just comes back to the fact that, uh, it’s fun to watch Italian people do things

laughs

Bernthal: But seriously, it’s an honor to be here receiving this award tonight. I mean Adrian Brody’s an *BLEEEP* award winner and he’s been pretending to be Italian way longer than I have

applause

Bernthal: Thank you. Thank you. And now. Here are your nominees, for TRUE Supporting Actor of The Year:

Bernthal: And the Wormy goes to…. Emile Hirsh, The Fabelmans!

applause

Bernthal: It is my belief, and the belief of The Wormy Film Association, that the term “actress” is dumb as hell. That being said, we like giving out more awards as opposed to less, so for now we’re gonna roll with it. Here are your nominees, for TRUE Supporting Actress, of the Year

Bernthal: And the Wormy goes to…. holy crap it’s a Spielberg sweep! Chloe East!

applause

Our next presenters need no introduction, but I need a job, so please welcome son and daughter of the late Air Buddy, and stars of the Air Buddies film franchise, Rosebud and Mudbud!

applause

Rosebud: Bo Jackson, Jim Brown, Deion Sanders, Antonio Gates

Mudbud: These are the names you hear most often associated with our late father, Air Buddy

Rosebud: He was regarded as one of the great multi-sport athletes of a generation, but what he really prided himself on, above all else, was his talent as an actor

Mudbud: For years, non-human actors, speaking and otherwise, have struggled to receive any serious acclaim for their significant contributions to film

Rosebud: From Toto, to Willy the Orca Whale

Mudbud: To Chewbacca, and the Most Valuable Primate

Rosebud: Non-human actors have played an instrumental role in the films we all know and love

Mudbud: And that’s why we were so excited to partner with the Wormy Awards to present the nominees, for Best Non-Human Actor of the Year

Rosebud: And the Wormy goes to…. Payakan, Avatar II!

applause

Give it up for our next presenter, Warden of Arkham Asylum, Dr. Hugo Strange!

uneasy chatter

Hugo: A good Batman villain comes in many shapes and forms. It’s not simply about being smarter, or stronger, or wealthier. I’ve studied dozens of alleged “villains” over the years, and above all else, the key to being a great batman villain is the ability to make Batman really, really mad

scattered chuckles

Hugo: And let’s be honest… That’s not exactly a difficult task. That guy’s an asshole. Anywho, when we watch films at the Asylum, we often discuss which characters would make the best future patients, so it was fitting that we partnered with the Wormy Film Association to present the first ever Batman Villain in a Non Batman Movie of the Year award. Here are your nominees:

Hugo: And the Wormy goes to… ohh I love him! Chris Pine! Don’t Worry Darling!

applause

Please give a warm welcome to the Founder and CEO of Waystar Royco, Logan Roy

scattered boos

Logan: Oh fuck off

standing ovation, loud cheering

Logan: Will you let me speak dammit! … A “shit dad” is self explanatory, yes? A good father does everything for his children, builds something impenetrable that he can leave behind for his children, that’s being a good father. A shit dad, conversely, can’t even get a grip on his life enough to be present in his kids’ day to day. Too selfish and impulsive to be a good father. My grandkids can tell you. Here are your nominees for Shit Dad of the Year:

Logan: And the Wormy goes to…. Jeremy Davies for his work in The Black Phone

applause

Please welcome to the stage once again, founder of Wormstuff.org, and first President of The Wormy Film Association, Mr. Jackson

Deafening boos

Jackson: Thank you, thank you. If you’ve been following this show since our inception, you know that our TRUE Supporting Actor and Actress awards were inspired by Brad Pitt, who swept the 2019 “supporting actor” awards despite having the 2nd most screentime of any character in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. It was ridiculous, it was unbecoming, and something had to be done, so we did it.

Jackson waits for applause that never comes

Jackson: But those weren’t the only awards inspired by Brad Pitt’s work in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. The Guys Being Dudes Moment of the Year was created to honor a duo, trio, or group, that display excellent fellowship on screen. To quote myself from this time last year: “Anyone can act all sad and dramatic, that’s easy, only the greats can act out a fun time with the pals”. And I still believe that.

Here are your nominees, for The Guys Being Dudes Moment of the Year

Yahya Abdul Mateen II and Jake Gyllenhaal – Ambulance

Collin Farrell and Barry Keoghan – The Banshees of Inisherin

Nic Cage and Pedro Pascal – The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent

N.T. Rama Rao Jr. and Ram Charan – RRR

Tom Cruise, Miles Teller, et al. – Top Gun: Maverick

Jackson: Man this was a tough one, it’s always a tough one, but as always, the true champions clearly distinguish themselves…

The Wormy goes to….

N.T. Rama Rao Jr. and Ram Charan! RRR!

standing ovation. Jackson pretends it’s for him

Jackson: Thank you all for coming out tonight it really means a lot to all of us here at the Association. My staff have urged me not to make any vague lofty promises for next year, so I won’t do that

But what I will say is that, uh, we have fun here at Wormy Films, you know? We enjoy a good “joke” or “bit” as much as the next guy. But I always want to be crystal clear in our mission, which is to celebrate the movies we had fun watching this year, and recognize some of the actors, characters, and moments that made them so dang fun to watch. This industry is propagated by a lot of hacks, haters, and people that really don’t seem to enjoy watching movies all that much, and it is our unwavering mission to prove that you can have fun talking movies without being a negative bozo

Good night, love you all, and see you soon