Good evening friends,

It’s an absolute pleasure to be back here with you all today, doing one of the things that brings me the most joy in this world: chatting about the movies I like.

Now, for the longtime fans at home, and those of you in the audience, I need to address the elephant in the room before we get on with our show…

We’re finally outta cash. After last year’s show all of our sponsors left and now we’re uh, we’re broke as hell. I thought those guys were game, it seemed like they really understood what we were doing here, but I guess not. At the end of the day that’s on me.

You may be thinking: “The writing’s been on the wall with this one, it was only a matter of time.” But as an entrepreneur, I never think like that. It’s not in my blood. That’s why I’m the guy with the award show. Here at the Wormy Film Association we believe that there are only wins and lessons, and after four years we’ve probably got an associate’s degree in award show.

Growth isn’t always on paper. Big rich dumb companies don’t understand that. But we do. What we lack in liquid assets we make up for in prestige, so this year we were able to expand our Board of Trustees, all of whom provided invaluable assistance in our nomination process this year. Shoutout Conor, John, Nick, Cam, Liam. You gentlemen know film, and we salute you.

But here on our broadcast, it’s just me. And I’ve got a lot of time to fill and I didn’t prepare a monologue or anything like that. Um. So, I think this would be a good time to do something that I hate to do: explain myself.

Over the past few years we’ve established a whole bunch of fun awards, honored some great folks, and hopefully picked up some new viewers along the way. So for those of you who may be new to the program, I figure, I can explain where these categories came from, what they mean to me, yada yada yada. Cause that’s fun right? When people explain stuff? You guys like that? I hope so.

So let’s start with an easy one:

DRIVER OF THE YEAR

Now, here at the Association, we do our best to be objective in our award giving, but we also don’t shy away from our biases. It’s no secret that Adam Driver is one of our favorite actors. We think he’s just swell. It’s always a good time to see him on the big screen, even if the movie’s bad.

But we can’t just give Adam Driver an award every year, cause that’d be dumb. So to level the playing field, we established the DRIVER OF THE YEAR award, to honor both those who are Adam Driver, and those who exhibit exemplary driving skills on screen.

Despite some solid work from our favorite marine over the past few years, Adam hasn’t taken home the DRIVER OF THE YEAR award since our inaugural 2019 show. The four year drought was weighing on Adam so much that he threw all his chips on the table and made a whole movie about driving.

Here are your nominees, for the 2023, DRIVER OF THE YEAR

Adam Driver – 65

Adam Driver – Ferrari

Patrick Dempsey – Ferrari

John Wick – John Wick 4

Hayley Atwell – Mission Impossible 7

And the Wormy goes to… Ah man I’m sorry Adam, it’s

John Wick! From John Wick 4!

Okay, now this is gonna be a tough one for me. Let’s talk about the-

BADASS MOMENT OF THE YEAR

Now this one hurts for me to talk about, because It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is my favorite television program of all time, I’ve watched it a million times and it’s impacted my life a good bit. So in early 2020 when we had the opportunity to partner with Mac, Frank, and the rest of the Paddy’s gang to present the PROJECT BADASS BADASS MOMENT OF THE YEAR it was the opportunity of a lifetime.

Mac’s “Project Badass” series (example below) was an inspiration to me and action film fans everywhere, demonstrating his true love for the craft of stunts, thrills, and badass.

Needless to say, presenting this award meant a lot to me, and I vowed to never do anything to mess that up. But, like glass, vows are made to be broken; despite losing our most treasured corporate partner, we’re still extremely proud to present the rebranded BADASS MOMENT OF THE YEAR award… And your nominees are:

How to Blow Up a Pipeline

Godzilla Minus One

Mission Impossible 7

Plane

Polite Society

And the Wormy goes to….

Khan vs. Khan! Polite Society!

And now presenting, for the very first time, the

BEST UNORIGINAL SONG OF THE YEAR

Every year people receive awards for songs that were produced specifically for a given movie. Which is cool, for sure, but there are also tons of songs every year that were previously recorded for music purposes, that find their way into a movie and make a tremendous impact. Which is harder to do, in my opinion; when they made the song the movie didn’t even exist. So it’s only fair that we present our first BEST UNORIGINAL SONG OF THE YEAR award

And your nominees are,

PIMP – Anatomy of a Fall

Dog Days Are Over – Guardians 3

Thank God I’m a Country Boy – The Iron Claw

How Soon is Now? – The Killer

Maneater – No Hard Feelings

And the Wormy goes to… Andrew Barth Feldman, Daryl Hall, and John Oates! Maneater! From the film No Hard Feelings!

Before I present our next our next award I’d like to pay our respects to the man who presented this award just one year ago. Logan Roy, RIP bozo. That guy was a real scumbag huh? I mean I’m glad he gave us money and all but, yeah. Condolences to the family. And in his honor, let’s talk about the:

HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT OF THE YEAR

So yeah. You know, in real life, obviously, hostile work environments are bad things, for sure. But when you’re watching a movie it’s a lot more fun to watch the inner workings of a hostile work environment than a healthy one. You know, sometimes it can mean some truly nasty, psychological manipulation stuff, or it can just mean like, your boss is a real dickhead. Both are valid.

Your nominees, for HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT OF THE YEAR, are:

Nike – Air

Ferrari F1 – Ferrari

Haverhill Estate – Master Gardner

Manhattan Project – Oppenheimer

Spider Society – Spiderverse 2

And the Wormy goes to…

The Spider Society! Spiderverse 2!

Okay, now onto our very first

HACK WRITER OF THE YEAR

Now, as you may know, in addition to running this Association I’m also somewhat of a writer. And as a writer, you know what I hate? You know what rubs me the wrong way? When writers write movies about writers. What’s that all about, you know? Like what kinda self-important crap is that? Writing isn’t all that interesting, it’s a lot of sitting around by yourself in silence and that’s not really movie worthy.

This year though, we got a bunch of writer characters in movies that didn’t stink, perhaps in part because the writers in the movie might be mid at their craft, which makes for a more interesting story.

Your nominees, for HACK WRITER OF THE YEAR, are:

Jeffery Wright – American Fiction

Sandra Voyter – Anatomy of a Fall

Nic Cage – Dream Scenario

John Magaro – Past Lives

Julia Louis-Dreyfus – You Hurt My Feelings

And the Wormy goes to…. Johnny Mags! John Magaro! Past Lives!

And now we’re on to one of our most prestigious awards of the evening, the-

SHIT DAD OF THE YEAR

I know, I know, it’s a lot of “”negative”” awards, sure. I think about that sometimes too. And to be honest my dad’s the best. Smartest guy I know, excellent role model for me and my siblings. It’s actually his birthday today, we had a nice lunch right before this. Everybody say “Happy Birthday Jayson!” … Thank you.

And you see. That’s all nice and well but it doesn’t exactly make for a riveting movie now does it?

Your nominees, for SHIT DAD OF THE YEAR, are

Shea Whigham – Eileen

Fritz Von Erich – Iron Claw

Louis Cancelmi – Killers of the Flower Moon

Priscilla’s Dad – Priscilla

Shea Whigham – Spiderverse 2

And the Wormy goes to… Louis Cancelmi! Killers of the Flower Moon!

And for the very first time we’re proud to present the

SHIT MOM OF THE YEAR

Your nominees are:

America Ferrera – Barbie

Beau’s Mom – Beau is Afraid

Emily Blunt – Oppenheimer

Emma Stone – Poor Things

Rosamund Pike – Saltburn

And the Wormy goes to… Beau’s Mom! Beau is Afraid!

Now these next two awards have been pretty well explained in the past, so I’ll keep it brief:

BEST TRUE SUPPORTING ACTRESS/ACTOR

These awards were established to combat one of the lowest-stake forms of fraud: category fraud. In an attempt to accumulate as many trophies as possible, studios will have main characters campaign for “best supporting” categories. Despite them being the 2nd person on the poster. Here at the association, we don’t and won’t stand for stuff like that, so we created these awards to honor characters that actually have a supporting role in the movie.

Your nominees, for BEST TRUE SUPPORTING ACTRESS, are:

Amy Ryan – Beau is Afraid

Tilda Swinton – The Killer

Pom Klementieff – Mission Impossible 7

Seraphina Beh – Polite Society

Ella Bruccoleri – Polite Society

And the Wormy goes to… Pom Klementieff! Mission Impossible!

And your nominees, for BEST TRUE SUPPORTING ACTOR, are…

Marshawn Lynch – Bottoms

Brendan Fraser – Killers of the Flower Moon

David Krumholtz – Oppenheimer

Herbert Nordrum – The Royal Hotel

Zach Cherry – You Hurt My Feelings

And the Wormy goes to…. David Krumholtz! Oppenheimer!

Now if you’ve watched this show before you know the award I hold most dearest to my heart is the-

GUYS BEING DUDES MOMENT OF THE YEAR

Because I believe that far too often, film award shows tend to recognize dramatic acting with yelling and crying and stuff, and don’t give enough love to the stuff that really matters: acting out a fun time with the pals. That’s the shit that makes me smile. That’s the shit that means something to me.

Your nominees, for GUYS BEING DUDES MOMENT OF THE YEAR

Dwight and the Gang – Asteroid City

Ken and the Boys – Barbie

Paul Dano and the Reddit Freaks – Dumb Money

Zac Effron and his kids – The Iron Claw

Ria, Clara, Alba – Polite Society

And the Wormy goes to… Preston George Mota, Jarvis Cocker, Rupert Friend, and the boys! For Dear Alien! From the film Asteroid City!

Instead of ending with the GUYS BEING DUDES OF THE YEAR award, as we usually do, we decided to end the night with the most hotly contested Wormy race in the four years I’ve been doing this. This year, the pool of potential nominees for-

BEST NON-HUMAN ACTOR OF THE YEAR

was so deep that we strongly considered increasing the size of the nominee pool. But we stuck to our principles, and narrowed it down to five more than deserving candidates, and they are:

Snoop the Dog – Anatomy of a Fall

Godzilla – Godzilla Minus One

Rocket the Racoon – Guardians 3

M3GAN – M3GAN

Tom Cruise – Mission Impossible 7

And the Wormy goes to…. Rocket Racoon! From Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3

Thank you all for coming out tonight! I appreciate your patience as we work our way out of the red here at the Association, and you know what? I’ll say it…

BIGGER AND BETTER NEXT YEAR! THE WORMYS NEVER SAY DIE! YOU CAN KILL OUR SPONSORSHIP DEALS BUT YOU CAN’T KILL OUR LOVE FOR THE MOVIES! PEACE!

Awards that were presented prior to the award show for time purposes:

Coolest Teacher of the Year – Marshawn Lynch, Bottoms

Jankiest Businessman of the Year – Adam Driver, Ferrari

Best Spiderman Villain in a Non-Spiderman Movie – Nic Cage, Dream Scenario