Pretty straightforward. There are lots of things that, by nature, are wet in this world. They all do very different things for us, and can each be valued very differently. Not to brag, but I’ve come into contact with handful of wet things in my lifetime, so here’s my top five pound for pound wet things, purely based on value.

5. Svedka Vodka

Was looking for some type of vodka to take up the 5 spot, and I settled upon Svedka. Now everyone has a different internal price/drinkability curve which dictates how gross of alcohol you’re going to poison your body with if the price is right. When your financial situation is pretty shitty, and your thirst for booze is pretty damn high, Svedka should fall right in the middle of your curve. The Sweedish gave us Ikea, the cheap furniture that gets the job done, and now they’ve given us Svedka, the cheap vodka that gets the job done. Mix that shit with some cranberry juice or iced tea or whatever and you won’t even know  you’re drinking trash alcohol (partially because you’ll be drunk and won’t care). Better than Smirnoff, worse than Ciroc, and way better than not getting drunk.

4. Anything made by Arizona

Pure value pick here. Can’t go wrong with the 99 cent tall boy can of sugary amazingness. There are about a half dozen variations of Arnold Palmers (RIP) and they absolutely kill it with each one, not a bad one in the bunch. Their sweet tea and
green tea are top notch, and if you’re trying to get weird they’ve got all the fruit juices you could possibly want. I could probably do reviews of every individual type but I feel you’ve gotta try them all yourself and figure out which random flavors really get you going. If I’m ever a billionaire I’m purchasing the Arizona company and not changing a damn thing. Might even get crazy and make them 75 cents who knows.

3. Old English/Hurricane 40oz

Malt Liquor is the best value in alcoholic beverages, hands down*. In terms of what’s easy to find and pretty delicious tasting, Old English and Hurricanes take the win. In my personal (and correct) opinion 40’s taste way better than beer, they’re cheaper, and they get you drunk faster. For like three bucks you can sit your ass on the couch, fire up the sports/netflix, and get nice and weird sipping on an ice cold 40. Plus there are like a million rap lyrics about drinking 40s which makes drinking them significantly cooler (true fact). Plus 40 oz to Freedom is a phenomenal Sublime song/album. So many plusses, so few minuses.

2. Salt Water

Really the ultimate value pick in wet things, it’s pretty unfair that I even included it on this list but sometimes lists are just unfair. Let’s just look at the facts (that I just googled) here: salt water takes up 71% of the Earth’s surface, and is 96.5% of the Earth’s water. Oh also did I mention it’s ABSOLUTELY FREE. I’m serious people, no gimmicks here. You can literally go down to your nearest source of salt water (beaches, that sort of thing) and just take that shit, and then it’s yours. The only thing keeping it from the number one spot, it’s fatal flaw, is that it’s pretty useless. If I were as smart as I think I am (which I’m not) I’d be thinking up some way to make salt water useful, like turn it into some sort of intoxicant. That would probably start world war 3, like what the fuck happens if people can just start taking the worlds salt water supply for free and turn it into wild stuff, I’m pretty sure markets would collapse everywhere.

1. Blood

Easiest number one ever. Blood is the best, straight up life-fuel, without it we’d all be a collection of discolored, rotting corpses. I don’t know too much about human anatomy or evolution but I think it’s pretty fucking crazy that us creatures now have this wild fluid pumping through us that keeps us going and functioning on a daily basis. Like what’s the next step in the evolutionary process? We’ve already got blood, what are creature’s bodies going to consist of next that’s better than that?  What will keep the dominant species functioning in 100,000 years? These are questions that are fun to ask, but much less fun when you realize you’ll be non-existent when they get answered, so it doesn’t matter. Well, just so I don’t end this on a depressing note, here are a few of blood’s main functions courtesy of our pals at wikipedia.

• gets oxygen to all of our tissues
  makes sure we have our nutrients: glucose, amino acids, fatty acids
• gets rid of some of the weird shit in our bodies like carbon dioxide, urea, and lactic acids. also detects when there’s other weird shit in our bodies
• transports hormones (if you know what I mean (I think))
• keeps your body temperature and pH levels at a decent level

(Honorable Mentions: Regular water, natural light, cold brewed iced coffee)

*4 loko is probably the real best value in alcohol, but I wanted to leave off things that have given me alcohol poisoning and kept me feeling deathly ill for like 36 hours, value severely diminished in my book.