Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the first annual Wormy awards. Ricky Gervais couldn’t make it to host tonight, actually he spent the afternoon at a local nursing home reading to the elderly. The book was titled “God isn’t Real, You’re All Going to Die Soon, Does That Offend You M8?” Seriously though, we have some very famous presenters tonight, they’re all truly heinous individuals that suck big time but we’re working with a tight budget so just give them a nice hearty boo when they come out and I promise I’ll do better next year. Other than that it’s really just myself and our PA announcer Jessica, I didn’t really think this whole format through but I said I’d do this tonight so we’ll make it work.

We’ve got a lot of awards to hand out tonight so let’s get it started. We’ll go pretty quickly through the first few to save you all some time, I can tell you’re already getting a bit restless. Once we get to the prestige awards I’ll step in and explain why my decision was correct. Alright Jessica hit it.

 

(Our first presenter this evening, from the morning news show, Matt Lauer!)

The nominees for Hostile Work Environment of the Year are:

The Government – The Report

The Street Clown’s Union – Joker

Ray Liotta’s Law Office – Marriage Story

The Lighthouse – The Lighthouse

And the winner is:

Robert Pattinson and Willem Dafoe – The Lighthouse from The Lighthouse, a truly terrible place to work.

 

(Grammy Award winning, platinum selling recording artist and STAR of the new movie CATS, Taylor Swift!) 

The nominees for Best Cameo by a Musical Act are:

The Weeknd – Uncut Gems

Action Bronson – The Irishman

RZA – The Dead Don’t Die

Cardi B – Hustlers

And the winner is: 

RZA for his role as the ‘Wu-PS’ delivery guy, which was a pretty solid gag. 

(Accepting this award tonight on behalf of the RZA is Cappadonna) 

 

(I regret to announce that Ricky Gervais is in the building and insisting on presenting the next award.)

The nominees for the Shocking (in a Bad Way) Moment of the Year are:

Ben Affleck going ‘No Russian’ on a group of confused villagers – Triple Frontier

Rambo dropping the decapitated head out the window – Rambo: Last Blood

Gary Glitter – Joker

Rey is a Palpatine – Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

And the winner is:

Ben Affleck for crash landing in a village and unloading the clip when some farmers raised a fuss. Truly one of the most ridiculous and unnecessary moments in recent film history.

 

(Our next presenter, Super Bowl winning quarterback and 2019-20 NFC Championship participant, Aaron Rodgers!)

The nominees for Throw of the Year are:

John Wick, knives – John Wick 3

John Wick, axe – John Wick 3

Cliff Booth, dog food – Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

Elder, self – Midsommar

And the winner is:

Keanu Reeves for throwing so many fucking knives. I’m always amazed at just how many knives are thrown in that scene, I undersell it in my mind every time. 

The axe throw at the end is so cool though.

 

(Here to present our next award, from The Roast of Alec Baldwin and nothing else, Alec Baldwin!)

(Also Aaron Rodgers is staying on stage for some reason, it seems as if he’ll be presenting again.)

The nominees for Bad Family of the Year are:

The Thrombley Family – Knives Out

The Le Domas Family – Ready or Not

The Tethered Family – Us

The Palpatine Family – Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

And the winner is: 

Mark O’Brien, Adam Brody, Henry Czerny, and Andy MacDowell – The Le Domas Family, for just straight up killing for fun. Go check out Ready or Not folks, it’s a good time. 

 

The nominees for the The Project Badass™ Badass Moment of the Year Sponsored by Project Badass are:

Captain America in the elevator – Avengers: Endgame

Jesse Pinkman shootout – El Camino

Christian Bale driving good –  Ford v Ferrari

Robert Pattinson vs. the seagull – The Lighthouse

And the winner is:

Aaron Paul for killing that dude with the pocket gun.

 

(Next to present, three time DUI recipient, Mel Gibson.)

The nominees for Driver of the Year are:

Christian Bale – Ford v Ferrari

Adam Driver – The Report

Brad Pitt – Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

Adam Driver – The Dead Don’t Die

And the winner is: 

Adam Driver for saying “ghouls” funny. 

(This is Adam Driver’s first win in the ‘Driver of the Year’ category, he is also up for “Shit Dad of the Year” later on in the show.)

 

The nominees for the Woman vs. The Rich of the Year are:

Ana De Armas – Knives Out

The Sister – Parasite

Samara Weaving – Ready or Not

Constance Wu – Hustlers

And the winner is:

So-dam Park – Parasite, for grifting on a truly elite level.

 

(Ladies and Gentlemen, here at the Wormys if you’re on the damn poster you’re a main character. That’s just how we feel.)

The nominees for Actual Supporting Actor of the Year are:

Jon Bernthal – Ford v Ferrari

O’Shea Jackson Jr. – Longshot

Stephen Graham – The Irishman

Jamie Bell – Rocketman

And the winner is:

Jon Bernthal for basically being the third main character for the first 45 minutes and then just standing around looking cool for the rest of the movie. Dude is so good at looking cool.

 

The nominees for Actual Supporting Actress of the Year are:

Elizabeth Moss – Us

Julia Fox – Uncut Gems

Da’Vine Joy Randolph – Dolemite is my Name

Billie Lourd – Booksmart

And the winner is:

Billie Lourd for batting a smooth thousand on her lines in this one and stealing the show whenever she was on screen. “I’m FUCKING spent Jared.” 

 

(Presenting for the second time tonight, the man who tried his best to ruin The Departed, Alec Baldwin!)

(Mel Gibson is also coming back on stage.)

The nominees for the Anakin Skywalker Memorial Shit Dad of the Year are:

Elton John’s Dad – Rocketman

Tommy Lee Jones – Ad Astra

Howard Ratner – Uncut Gems

Adam Driver – Marriage Story

And the winner is:

Tommy Lee Jones for turning his son into a sad spaceguy who can’t cultivate healthy relationships.

It’s hard to beat out Elton John’s dad in this category, because he was a fucking dick. But at least he ended up propelling his son to eternal fame, Clifford McBride propelled his son into the depths of the solar system on a fool’s errand, and when his son (who is also Brad Pitt) finally comes to rescue him the motherfucker tries to kill them both. Oh and he was also responsible for the power surges that were causing mayhem on earth, as you could have guessed he didn’t give a shit about any of that. Fuck the Lima Project, I’m going to get inebriated off long islands at the Moon Applebees bar.

 

The nominees for the Pure and Good Delight of the Year are:

Eddie Murphy – Dolemite is My Name

Julia Butters – Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

Michael Shannon – Knives Out

Beanie Feldstien – Booksmart

And the winner is:

Julia Butters AKA Trudi Fraser AKA Mirabella Lancer for single-handedly turning around Rick Dalton’s career.

In the first truly stacked category of the evening, Julia Butters simply wipes the floor with her fellow nominees when it comes to being a genuine delight on screen. Her initial scene with Rick was one of the most heartwarming scenes of the year and it was truly incredible to watch a 10 year old operating on the same level as one of the greatest actors of our generation. The last scene of the Lancer pilot should be Leo’s best actor clip at the Oscars this year, and besides the iconic “that was the best acting…” line she was on fire throughout that whole scene.

 

The nominees for the The OK, Yes, We Get It Moment of the Year are:

We live in a society, don’t you SEE murr-ay! – Joker

The eighth consecutive time John Wick was smashed through glass casing – John Wick 3

The part where they show each of the 21 bridges – 21 Bridges

Most of the jokes – The Dead Don’t Die

And the winner is:

21 Bridges for giving the people exactly what they came for. 

(21 Bridges also took home a Wormy earlier this evening for “Future FX Banger of the Year”)

If I remember correctly, this happens like 5 minutes into the movie. They showed the first couple bridges and I was like “ok, cool, nice look at the city.” By the fifth bridge: “alright I get it let’s wrap it up.” By the tenth bridge: “OHHH they’re really about do all 21 let’s fucking go.” By the fifteenth bridge I’m out of my seat counting along and cheering while the people behind me throw peanut M&Ms at me. What a rush.

I couldn’t find the 21 Bridges scene so here’s this. Chadwick Boseman is good at his job.

 

The nominees for The Mr. Krabs Meme™ Scramblebrained Moment of the Year are:

Aftermath of the first bet – Uncut Gems

Jimmy Hoffa having his house painted – The Irishman

Basement dwellers – Parasite

Basically the whole ending – Us

And the winner is:

Uncut Gems and the Safdies for introducing me to the most anxiety inducing parlays known to man. 

I won’t say a ton on the aforementioned moment because I want everyone to see it and get sent for a ride like I did, but it was truly the only movie moment this year where the story kept on moving and I was still stuck scrambling in my seat trying to come to terms with what I just watched. Folks, Adam Sandler and the Safdies made a fucking gem with this one, go see it now please.

Again, unrelated to the scene in question but regardless, fucking legends.

(And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for!)

The nominees for the Guys Being Dudes Moment of the Year are:

Bread and Grape Juice – The Irishman

The whole movie – The Beach Bum

Rick and Cliff watching FBI – Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

Winslow and Wake getting wasted on boat fuel like Frank and Charlie – The Lighthouse

And the winner is:

Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio for watching TV

In arguably the toughest category of the evening, these two men just simply out-cooled and out-palled the competition. I’m going to let the tape speak for itself on this one, I have very little to add here besides Brad Pitt’s laugh gives me life. Also: “That was a smooth leap” … “thank you”

 

Thank you all so much for coming out tonight, and for any nerds who care: my personal winners for the categories offered up by the industry hacks. Best Picture – Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, Best Actor – Adam Sandler, Best Actress – Lupita Nyong’o (in a fucking landslide), Supporting Actor – Willem Dafoe, Supporting Actress – Margot Robbie, Best Director – Bong Joon-ho, Original Screenplay – Uncut Gems, Adapted – Irishman, Cinematography – 1917.